How To Write Grunkle Stan Into A Fanfiction
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: A sequel to one of my first stories that actually got reviews! A (satirical) one-shot/guide on how to write Grunkle Stan in your fanfiction!


**A/N: It's high time that I produced a sequel! After all, the first one actually got me some reviews and readers! Additionally, I thought of some ideas. Finally, this is a work of satire. Specifically, a satire of bad fanfiction. Sort of. I don't know. Ignore me!**

_Step The First: _It is imperative that you include the iconic "stealing a cash register" moment from the theme song. No matter if it is shoehorned or makes no sense in context, you simply must write it in. It will act as a happy easter egg for the hardcore fans.

**Example: **Dipper and Mabel happily sat in front of the tea, snarfing down ice cream and watching _Ducktective. _With a frown, Mabel turned to Dipper. "Say, where is Grunkle Stan?"

Munching on some chocolate chips, Dipper said, "He said something about running some errands. I hope that he doesn't run into the Gremloblin.

Meanwhile, Grunkle Stan ran through the forest, carrying a cash register, hardly even bothering to snatch up the scattering cash. "Woo-hoo! Free money! All I have to do is go through some random cave." Behind him, something growled. "Ah, nuts."

_Step The Second: _Alex Hirsch is a master of cliffhangers and teasers. There is a fan theory with great evidence that suggest that Stanford Pines has a twin. His twin, known as Stanley Pines, mysteriously disappeared...maybe. Fanfics will either drop copious and egregious hints to Stan having a brother or simply have him state it.

**Example A: **Stan walked up to Dipper and Mabel's makeshift bedroom. "Hey, guys. Time to tuck you in or whatever twelve-year-olds like before they go to bed. I don't know. Stories? Hey, I can have you counterfeit more money!"

Mabel held up a chapter book. "This will be fine."

Stan picked up the worn, well-loved tome and reminisced. "Ah, listening to stories with your siblings...I once knew what that felt like. But that was before…" He stared into the distance, or, in this case, out the door.

"Where's that violin music coming from?" Dipper queried.

**Example B: **Grunkle Stan stood on the Mystery Shack's porch, holding a megaphone. "ATTENTION! May I please have your attention, collective rubes- Uh, valued customers? I have a brother. I have a brother. I have a brother. And, I have a brother. He's my twin. Twin brother. Of which I have one. A twin brother. Also, there's some new items at the Shack. Buy them so I can continue searching for my twin brother. I have a twin brother."

_Step The Third: _If you choose to do an adaptation of A Christmas Carol, then Stan will be visited by the three ghosts. Any heartwarming lessons or messages about changing his ways will be hilariously subverted or warped.

**Example: **Grunkle Stan woke up, rubbing his eyes from the horrifying dream. Three ghosts, each in the form of Old Man McGucket, Mabel, and Quentin Trembley, as well as his old business partner, Stanley Pines. Coincidentally, he was also his brother. He had a brother. Grunting, Stan hefted open a window. "Hey, you!"

Outside, Billy stood on the curb, playing with a yo-yo. "Ah! Stranger danger!" He ran away, dropping the toy on the ground.

Grunkle Stan grumbled to himself. "Stupid kid. Ah, I can sell that toy in the Shack, anyway. HEY! Anyone else here?"

Shmipper and Smabble walked near the crumbly abode. "What is it, good sir?"

Stan rolled his eyes. "Great, you freaks. Okay, creepy lookalikes of my grandnephew and grandniece, what day is it?"

Smabble pulled out a pocket calendar."Why, it's December 25th! Christmas Day!"

Stan immediately closed the window, shutting out Smipper and Smabble. "I need to change my ways. I've been a greedy, arrogant shopkeeper. Time to be greedier! Time to plan new ideas for 'attractions!' HA!"

_Step The Fourth: _Grunkle Stan uses his smoke bomb quite often. However, in the fanfiction, he shall use the exploding smoke bomb whenever possible, even if it is illogical or inconvenient.

**Example: **Sipping some juice, Grunkle Stan walked over to Soos, who was trying to fix the sign on the Mystery Shack. "How ya doin' there, Soos?"

Soos nodded towards the paint can. "Fine, boss, but I'm running slightly low on paint. Could you get some? If I move, then the glue won't dry and the sign will break again."

Grunkle Stan nodded. "Sure thing, pal. SHA-BAM!" He threw the smoke bomb on the grass, causing an enormous plume of smoke to rise up. Soos began to cough and fell down, causing the "S" to crash on top of him.

_Step The Fifth: _Stories will be written about why he was wearing a devil costume and dancing amongst flames. IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE IN CONTEXT, DARN IT! Excuse me. Must..return...to...calm narrator…..status! There.

**Example: **In the Royal Order Of The Holy Mackerels, Grunkle Stan, Pacifica, Tyler, and Quentin Trembly sat down to a delicious feast.

"Welcome, my friends! Today, we have finally hidden the journal! Your suggestion of the ground Stan, was welcome but I would have preferred the stomach lining of a living marshmallow moat." Trembly stated.

Grunkle Stan shrugged. "Eh, it wasn't too hard. I just saw that weird miner digging some holes and muttering about death."

Pacifica lowered her silverware. "Wait! We, like, need to perform the ceremonial dance before we eat."

Tyler moaned. "Get the costumes! Get 'em, get 'em! I'm starving."

Grunkle Stan rolled his eyes. "You didn't seem so eager to make a decision when you came into my shop. How long are you going to keep visiting and looking at the souvenir shirts?"

Tyler narrowed his eyes and growled, "As long as it takes."

Grunkle Stan groaned. "Well, I got some new animal-themed t-shirts made. Maybe that'll work."

"Quiet, compatriots!" Quentin Trembley snapped. "My butler has arrived with the costumes." Gompers arrived, dressed in a tuxedo, carrying the devil costumes in his mouth. He gave a quick "Baa!", swiped some mashed potatoes, and left.

After they all put in the costumes, Quentin led them to a blank space and fiddled with some control panels. He pushed at some buttons haphazardly, occasionally stopping to sniff the air. "Ah, yes, the disco floor. Let's see. There! The gasoline!" A dangerous amount of gasoline suddenly splashed onto the ground, spraying over everything. A small match was lowered and the room was set ablaze.

"Now we dance for the hope of that triangle thing's banishment!" Trembley immediately started doing the Bunny Hop, while Pacifica and Tyler began their weekly 'African Ant-Eater" dance-off. Grunkle Stan opted for a more befitting disco. Suddenly, he stopped. "Hey, Quent. You made these costumes fireproof, right?"

Quentin blinked. "Of course! I smeared them with turpentine quite thoroughly!"

Grunkle Stan ran like the devil was chasing after him. The room exploded.

"That's it!" Pacifica groused. "Like, I hate you, Stan! If anyone related to you visits, I'm going to automatically hate them! Your lineage is dead to me! DEAD TO ME!"

_Step The Sixth: _All of the previous entries combined.

At midnight, Grunkle Stan abruptly burst into Dipper and Mabel's room. "Hey, kids! I got a new smoke bomb." He threw it on the ground, causing the smoke to swirl into the phrase 'I Have A Brother.'

A ghost of Manly Dan appeared. "Okay, Pines! I'm here to- What's that?" He started to cough. Choking, he shuddered, twitched, fell on the wooden floor and disappeared.

Dipper was nonplussed. "Uh, Grunkle Stan, I think you just killed a ghost."

Grunkle Stan closed the curtains. "Quick, kids! Hide any evidence, I'm going to the grocery store. If I'm going to bribe the cops about this, then I'll need a whole lot of stolen cash registers!"

_Five minutes later…_

Grunkle Stan ran through the forest, carrying a cash register, hardly even bothering to snatch up the scattering cash. "Bribery, smoke, having a brother...This reminds me of my prom, just with less fire and no devil costumes. If they're having a costume party, then they should let EVERY costume in! Phooey on Standards and Practices, I want my Pentagrahams!"

**A/N: Read and review, if you please! By the way, the narrator for this isn't me. It's a random narrator that I thought of. I just thought that it would be funny for him to have a cool, calm, and collected manner throughout the entire thing, except for one small (and loud) moment of rage. Finally, the theory that I wrote about for the fifth step is my new 'headcanon.' If any of it turns out to be true, then I called it.**


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